When conflict occurs we experience internal trauma or frustration that effects our communication. This inhibits real connection with others and conflict escalates.
Example: Mary’s boss Bob, takes her brilliant report and puts his name to it taking the credit for her work. Mary is resentful but won’t confront him. Despite her colleagues’ encouragement to deal with the problem, she resigns. Her belief is, “Why bother, nothing will change. Men are all the same.”
Mary is discounting her ability to change the situation or that she is worthy of being recognized for her skill and ability. In her family of origin women’s contribution was not valued highly – “I’m not as important as men.” She is playing out: others are more important than me – I’m not OK, they are OK. Her mother’s motto of: “Don’t rock the boat,” “Don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed.” – The Parent figure in her head is crushing her potential and ability to be appropriately angry for her boss’s behaviour.